Source: webmd.com
Wondering if your honey's heart remains in the hands of a past love? Holding on to previous romantic attachments can create feelings of distrust and stymie an otherwise promising relationship.
Although there's no way to know for sure without discussing your concerns openly and honestly with your main squeeze, WebMD asked the experts for the top 10 clues that should at least set off your relationship radar.
1. Talking about the ex too much
Sure, we all compare our current romance to ones we've had in the past, and an occasional reference to an old steady is no cause for alarm. “But if it's happening 24-seven, it's a problem. It's going to keep both of you from enjoying the new relationship,” says couples counselor Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).
Sure, we all compare our current romance to ones we've had in the past, and an occasional reference to an old steady is no cause for alarm. “But if it's happening 24-seven, it's a problem. It's going to keep both of you from enjoying the new relationship,” says couples counselor Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).
Sherman tells WebMD that if every story comes back to the other person, it's probably a sign that they haven't really moved on -- usually because they were left really hurt, because they were so deeply in love, or both.
2. Not talking about them at all
By the same token, silence about a former lover can also scream lack of closure. Guilty feelings from carrying a secret torch often make a person not want to talk about them at all.
By the same token, silence about a former lover can also scream lack of closure. Guilty feelings from carrying a secret torch often make a person not want to talk about them at all.
If you notice that your partner seems afraid to bring up their ex or they've tried and it becomes a sore point, it's time to ask them why, Sherman says.
3. Online stalking
Whether it's constantly visiting an old lover's Facebook page or dating profile, or Googling them all the time, keeping frequent online tabs can be a red flag, says John Gray, PhD, relationship expert and author of Men
Whether it's constantly visiting an old lover's Facebook page or dating profile, or Googling them all the time, keeping frequent online tabs can be a red flag, says John Gray, PhD, relationship expert and author of Men
Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
An occasional online glance is reasonable. Even more snooping is OK if the former couple shares kids. But excessive Internet ogling crosses the line.
An occasional online glance is reasonable. Even more snooping is OK if the former couple shares kids. But excessive Internet ogling crosses the line.
“If they're spending too much time online following a past partner, it may make you feel neglected,” Gray tells WebMD. “Are you getting what you need from this person? Especially when they spend two hours on Facebook after dinner?” asks Gray, who is also a certified family therapist. If not, it's time to speak up.
4. Too much contact with their ex
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messaging with a past love can take away from a relationship. But it's a matter of context, says advice guru Carolyn Hax.
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messaging with a past love can take away from a relationship. But it's a matter of context, says advice guru Carolyn Hax.
“If we're talking weekly emails and you are fully invested in your current relationship, then it's not a sign of anything. But if it's weekly emails and you aren't devoted, then a suspicious partner has a legit concern. You haven't cut the cord,” says Hax, whose Washington Post column is nationally syndicated.
A new relationship is all about trust, Sherman says. If you're not OK with your current partner's contact with an ex, say so. They should be willing to ask the ex to take a break from each other while you concentrate on yourselves. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it is the respectful thing to do.
5. Their name slips out during sexual climax
Talk about bad timing. During orgasm, your mind is totally uninhibited, making it easier for someone else's name to slip out, Gray says. That kind of a mistake usually suggests unresolved feelings for an ex.
6. Keeping mementos
Looking at souvenirs from a relationship is part of the healing process, Sherman says. But when the feelings are resolved, it's time to let go of the reminders, except for a few. You don't need to set the favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters out on the curb. But they should be put away, out of everyday reach.
Looking at souvenirs from a relationship is part of the healing process, Sherman says. But when the feelings are resolved, it's time to let go of the reminders, except for a few. You don't need to set the favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters out on the curb. But they should be put away, out of everyday reach.
As for photos on display, it's one thing to have a group picture including a past partner on the wall. It's another to erect a shrine to that person, or plaster the bedroom with a display of your glory days together. A new partner can gently, tactfully suggest keeping those pretty frames and filling them with new memories together.
7. Hot and cold romance
Watch out for a lover who goes back and forth with affections. It might be a sign of inner turmoil, Gray says. They may be cold and pull away when feeling guilty about not giving the same kind of love in their past relationship. Then they may turn up the passion again when they feel guilty for withdrawing.
Watch out for a lover who goes back and forth with affections. It might be a sign of inner turmoil, Gray says. They may be cold and pull away when feeling guilty about not giving the same kind of love in their past relationship. Then they may turn up the passion again when they feel guilty for withdrawing.
8. They say they're not ready to commit
One of the symptoms of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I'm not in love with you” talk. Or, “I'm into you, but I still want to see others.” If a longstanding relationship isn't moving to the next level, then the roadblock could be another person from the past.
One of the symptoms of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I'm not in love with you” talk. Or, “I'm into you, but I still want to see others.” If a longstanding relationship isn't moving to the next level, then the roadblock could be another person from the past.
“When someone is wondering, 'Should I go back? Why didn't it work?,' it can build a barrier to moving forward,” Gray says.
9. Trouble in the bedroom
Having problems keeping an erection or reaching orgasm can be a symptom of an emotional hang-up, Gray says. “The guilt creates a sense of unworthiness to receive a partner's love, and holds you back from fully surrendering to your partner.”
Having problems keeping an erection or reaching orgasm can be a symptom of an emotional hang-up, Gray says. “The guilt creates a sense of unworthiness to receive a partner's love, and holds you back from fully surrendering to your partner.”
Gray emphasizes, however, that many other factors can affect bedroom performance, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excessive belly fat, and drug abuse.
10. You just have a feeling
“Sometimes clients tell me, 'I have this feeling in my gut that something's not right,'” Sherman says. It's a good barometer, she says. If you think something just doesn't feel right, it's probably worth bringing it out in the open. It could lead to a discovery about your partner's feelings for someone else.
“Sometimes clients tell me, 'I have this feeling in my gut that something's not right,'” Sherman says. It's a good barometer, she says. If you think something just doesn't feel right, it's probably worth bringing it out in the open. It could lead to a discovery about your partner's feelings for someone else.
Also, if you find yourself needing to snoop around - scrolling through the cell phone, peeking at their email, or emptying pockets - then there's a good chance the relationship has trust problems, Sherman says. So hold off on the detective work, and try to get to the cause of the distrust.
How to get past it
As much heartache and headache as it may cause, couples can survive one partner being stuck on a previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to speak up, the more likely you'll resent the situation, Sherman says.
As much heartache and headache as it may cause, couples can survive one partner being stuck on a previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to speak up, the more likely you'll resent the situation, Sherman says.
To start the dialogue with your hung-up honey, try taking a “working together” approach instead of pushing the other person away with angry words. Use phrases like, “I need your help,” and “I need your reassurance,” and “I love you and want to work with you on this,” to get the ball rolling, Sherman says.
If you're having problems addressing the issue but really feel it's worth working on, it may be time to seek help from a couples therapist.
Jealousy: A word of caution
If you want to keep a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful about prematurely jumping on the jealousy train and making quick accusations. Short of a greater context, there's no reason to hound them with a “how dare you” attitude at every little suspicion.
If you want to keep a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful about prematurely jumping on the jealousy train and making quick accusations. Short of a greater context, there's no reason to hound them with a “how dare you” attitude at every little suspicion.
“Extreme jealousy is worse than having lingering feelings about someone else,” Hax says. “Often a hang-up is just feelings. But constantly being on the lookout for bad things - that tends to be a deeper problem of trust."
If you find yourself always having to keep your lover on a short leash, you probably need to look deeply into your own insecurity to find its roots. Don't go making your problem someone else's.
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